STUCK BEHIND A FOUR-DOOR SEDAN — Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin ensnared himself in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the northbound side of Veterans Bridge late yesterday afternoon, prompting analysts once more to question his ability to manage the clock in crucial situations.
“Coach Tomlin has proven his mettle in using turn signals, merging technique, and in-car radio management,” said driving expert Halley Thompson. “But he continues to think he’ll miraculously ‘make it work’ when it comes to the city’s traffic choke points at critical moments during a drive, and today’s debacle will only raise more question marks.”
Sources say Tomlin approached 579 from the Boulevard of the Allies at approximately 4:30 p.m., ultimately headed for 28 north to reach his wife’s art exhibit in Etna. The move has attracted a wave of criticism from the traffic flow community.
“This is just a matter of poor game-planning,” said engineer Levi Murray, noting an evening last year where Tomlin attempted to head east through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel at rush hour. “A top-tier driver has a map in his head for any game-day situation. Not knowing to cut through Bloomfield down to 40th Street or even Highland Park Bridge is absolutely unforgivable. I’ll tell you what: you won’t see Bill Belichick making that mistake, and he’s not even from here.”
Many Tomlin supporters have argued that a GPS app may be to blame or construction on 279 produced unforeseen circumstances for this time of year. Nevertheless, the Steelers coach assumed full responsibility for the decision.
“I am the leader in that car and I have to hold myself to the same standard that I hold fellow motorists,” he said. “I felt like I was going to be able to drive onto the shoulder and avoid traffic by a blade of grass. Unfortunately, that blade of grass happened to be nearly two miles long and full of idiots cutting down the exit lanes to skip ahead six car lengths.”
As of press time, Tomlin reportedly missed a left green signal while fiddling with the radio, fueling questions whether he has the focus to ever make it somewhere on time again since his last punctual arrival in 2011.
