PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.
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FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
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BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Entering tonight’s first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.
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You navigate to your kitchen in a hoodie, only to find you’re quickly overcome with warmth. Sweat runs down your face, and you realize your affect reeks of an unidentified malaise. You were fine but a few a minutes ago, so it’s time to ask, are the fatal clutches of some phantom fever, heretofore unknown to humanity, lurking above you or is just, like, 84 or so degrees again for the first time your seasonally compromised memory can manage to recall?
As of press time, you decided the ailment might be identified as Buccos fever, which historically wanes within several weeks or, medical sources have noted, until Bryan Reynolds gets traded.
NORTH SHORE — Following a “torturous series of delays,” BetRivers has announced the official over-under for shirtless guys CBS will show on tonight’s Steelers-Raiders broadcast, according to sources considering a parlay with the number of fans dressed like Santa featured by the network.
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NORTH SIDE — A group of Pitt alumni heavily clad in official Pitt merchandise has briefly paused their exchange of Pitt stories at a tailgate for the Pitt-West Virginia game to express their collective thanks that they didn’t peak in high school “like some obsessed, homesick loser,” parking lot sources continue to loudly confirm.
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NORTH SHORE — Former Pitt head football coach Dave Wannstedt started tailgating at approximately 4 p.m. yesterday for Pitt’s opening game against Wofford scheduled for 3:30 p.m. Saturday, parking lot staff being offered bratwursts on the North Shore report.
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MARKET SQUARE — Upper St. Clair native Jaden Thompson, 30, spent yesterday emphasizing his “fierce dedication” to local brands and products, having mistaken his consumerism as a reflection of modest working-class values, according to sources hoping he won’t invite them back to Starbucks again.
“Jaden’s been pushing the yinzer self-narrative ever since he’s come into Bakery Square to take that systems analyst gig,” said co-worker Tim Bachmann. “I don’t he think he realizes the ‘412’ vanity plate on his Audi doesn’t do much when he tips people his 31 cents in change because ‘they didn’t even do that much.’ Honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get him to stop asking, ‘What are yinz guys up to this weekend’ in that weirdly sterile tone of voice.”
“Also,” added Bachmann hurriedly, “if he asks me ‘Jeet jet?’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face.”
Other acquaintances of Thompson expressed equal confusion.
“I can’t tell if it’s serious or self-parody,” said former neighbor Tiara Walker. “He st ruts around in that ‘Keep Pittsburgh Shitty’ shirt, but won’t shut the hell up about ‘passive income.’ The ‘It’s Still Heinz Field to Me’ memes he posts are great and all, but maybe use that time to stop calling the city for our 71-year-old neighbor’s overgrown yard and help her handle it instead?”
Thompson used a request for comment to double-down on the source of his recently adopted identity.
“My kitchen speaks for itself,” he said, mentioning he hasn’t gone out to get his own groceries since 2018. “Mrs. T’s, Turner’s, Heinz — it’s all there. I might’ve grown up outside the city, but these blue-collar, black-and-gold habits go down hard, unlike this Yuengling, a beer truly made for a hard-working average Joe like myself.”
“Anyway, I’m pulling up DoorDash to get some Primanti’s,” he added with a smile. “Jeet jet?”
(Article credit → Joe Szalinski, @poetry_hugger)
POLISH HILL – Terminally ill Polish Hill resident Stanley Mroz has requested that his family turn him into kielbasa for purposes of research, according to sources attempting to say their goodbyes through discussions if brining human flesh “will take the edge off.”
“All the power to him,” said Mroz’s neighbor and cousin Gabriel Ludeso, “but not my power. Never again. I had a suspicion he would try something weird like this when he approached me at that party in ‘98 asking if I thought humankind could be ‘faster, stronger, and better complement a potato dish,’ so I relinquished his power of attorney a while ago.”
Other members of Mroz’s family expressed hesitation upon hearing his plan.
“Just another thing he does where he watches movies and gets unusual ideas,” said Mroz’s granddaughter Linda Stefinn, an expert in artificial intelligence. “He just re-watched Transcendence, so he asked me about trying to upload his consciousness into kielbasa, indefinitely extending his existence so he could keep doing kielbasa research on himself. He even seemed more sure of such a plan’s success if his human body became the kielbasa, too. Kind of wish he had put this kind of effort into making my softball games.”
Mroz addressed followers in a video on social media regarding his plea.
“This is the culmination of my studies,” he said as the video transitioned to a still of him pouring a kielbasa from one beaker to another. “I only hope in death I can continue to help others discover more regarding this wondrous sausage. At least, if I cannot change the world, perhaps I can be in its hearts, minds, and maybe even the stomach of some guy slammed at Gooski’s.”
At press time, Mroz had reportedly interrupted the priest’s last rites to ask him if Jesus had ever specified “an ideal fat ratio” for transubstantiation.
Local country fan Taylor Winters recovered from a several-year alcoholic haze spanning back to the 2018 Kenny Chesney show just in time this afternoon to have Heinz Field staff deny him entry to today’s concert due to excessive intoxication, sources relieved he appears to be breathing confirmed.
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