Pittsburgh Unfiltered

NORTH SHORE—Pirates fan Jason Yang enjoyed “the chance of a lifetime” last night when the 11-year-old was randomly selected to throw out the game’s last pitch.

“I tried to keep the pep talk simple,” said manager Don Kelly, who called the Ross Township youngster from the stands over his entire bullpen to preserve a 1-0 lead in the middle of a full count. “We know Jason has been in high-leverage situations before like the PSSAs and his aunt Tina’s wedding as a ring bearer, so we felt good about putting him out there on the mound when it mattered most.”

Yang got slammed for eight runs. As of press time, he and the Pirates are reportedly ready to finalize a four-year deal worth $98 million.

MILLVALE—A series of Pennsylvania law enforcement agencies continued their search this morning for Millvale Music Fest Associate Chair Greg Nussmeyer, alleged to have orchestrated “a masterful heist” to embezzle event funds totaling as much as $14.

“We’ve had to expand our search radius by significant margins,” said Sgt. Kiley Mills of the Nussmeyer Search Task Force, “a state-led collaborative operations team.” A state government spokesperson indicated they had shifted to capturing Nussmeyer dead or alive. “With that kind of bankroll, he could be jet-setting on the exotic streets of New Ken or eating Takis in the Getgo parking lot in Edgewood—there’s just no way to know for sure. And if he’s already laundered a hefty portion of it via lottery tickets, well, we might be looking for a needle in a haystack.”

Critics of the search have argued that Nussmeyer, reported by fellow organizers to spend “about 200 days a year” planning the event, likely reimbursed himself for a variety of expenditures that emerge over the course of the weekend. Authorities have thus far dismissed these explanations, suggesting instead that the accused had set up a “slush fund,” used to reference the chair member’s own checking account, to funnel funds to himself.

“A pipe dream of optimism,” said Detective Robert Klein. “Folks really believe a guy like this Nussmeyer fellow can stare at the pot of gold that Millvale Music Fest rakes in every year and resist the temptation. Think of all the things he could do with that $14: get about three gallons of gas; buy a 24-rack of Busch Light; get a large pizza, maybe, if it’s, like, on special or something. Us morally upright folks would have a hard time keep our hands of that kind of scratch, let alone this degenerate.”

Voices standing behind the Millvale local appear to have grown louder since the search has dragged on. Nonetheless, officials consider the evidence provided by a number of whistleblowers trustworthy.

“Come on, do we really think people would just invent these serious accusations just because their band didn’t get accepted?” challenged state spokesperson Regina Monroe. “Or because they didn’t like the venue or slot they were given? Or because the festival refused to recognize their rider of a personal chauffeur and a bottle of Grey Goose? We all know people aren’t that vindictive or petty.”

As of press time, Monroe’s comments came under scrutiny after it was discovered her band’s submission had been rejected for claiming they were a “local group” from Harrisburg.

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ROSS TOWNSHIP—Spirited little man and incessant talker Riley Something or Other continues, despite all objections and inquiries about who is supposed to be supervising him, to go on about his “lifelong dream” to reside permanently inside the Ross Park Mall Cheesecake Factory, according to witnesses who just want to stop at Foot Locker.

Parental sources at the scene appeared unavailable as the self-identified nine-year-old boy assailed passersby with details of his plan and singular life goal to make home in the nearby chain restaurant.

“I’ll make money from ads on my YouTube channel about how I live in a Cheesecake Factory,” said the unrelenting menace, ignoring the typically alluring call of children having fun in the play area to enter a power struggle with any adult willing to challenge his sugar-laden machinations. “I can eat the food people leave behind and I’ll sleep in one of the booths!”

Suggestions that content-driven revenue streams are too meager to survive on and that eating strangers’ leftovers presents an array of personal and commercial health issues were quickly redirected by this little shit into attacks on critics’ appearance, tone of voice, and age.

“That’s because you’re old and nobody cares what you think,” shouted the diminutive bastard, leading a communal chant of “OLD! OLD! OLD!” with the help of a few other kids nearby.

At the time of print, previously annoyed sources had reportedly become more amenable to the proposed living arrangement following the young man’s offer of free cheesecake for life to watch him go down the slide.

STRIP DISTRICT—Representatives on behalf of the Strip District Terminal adorned themselves in heather gray shirts and assorted apparel bearing an image of the American flag this morning to mark the opening of the “boutique shopping” destination’s new Old Navy store.

“The addition of Old Navy bolsters what is already a premier experience for city residents,” said spokesperson Tom Walters. “Folks can drown themselves in liquid sugar from Starbies, play some putt-putt, power back up with a bowl of chicken, and then snag a pair of joggers alongside $78 in assorted bullshit merchandise near the register before hitting the highway back to Robinson Township.”

The value fashion chain’s district manager emphasized in a press release that the new location aims to enmesh itself in the “rich local culture” of the Terminal’s current offerings, including a cross-promotion with the nearby Chipotle to “fortify the brand’s clothing with 3x the protein it would normally have.” The company has yet to return requests for further information.

Additionally, the store will offer deals this week on its “Soul of Pittsburgh” line of hoodies and shirts, featuring the words “yinz” and “dahntahn,” while also marking down its one-use flip-flops to $4.12. Lucky customers, estimated to be one in every 1000, will have their order bag filled with french fries, brought over from “everybody’s favorite local sandwich spot,” Shake Shack.

This post is part of our ongoing coverage for Millvale Music Fest 2026. Follow the page to stay in the loop and consider supporting us on our digital-only ($1) or hard copy ($3) tier to get things directly in your inbox or mailbox.

MILLVALE—Millvale Borough safety officials cautioned residents and motorists to remain alert over the next several weeks during the peak of load-in season, which frequently coincides with a local surge in fender benders, spilled energy drinks, and broken vintage tubes that “you can’t get anymore.”

“It’s only human to want to watch these fellas when they wander into our everyday world,” said chief EMS officer Ben Mele. “How often do you get to see a critter shrouded in black on an 80-degree day trying to lug a 2×10 bass cab for half a mile? You have to remember, though, these musicians are likely skittish, overwhelmed, and prone to sudden changes in behavior, so we’re asking everyone to keep your eyes peeled and stay at a distance, especially if they appear to start noodling in public.”

For the month of May, the Borough has opened up a 311 tip line for residents who find a musician that seems to be struggling in the environment.

“Please don’t hesitate to call if you see, say, a startled bass player separated from its group or an indie guitarist unable to move because it broke its pedal board,” said local services coordinator Emma Vaughn. “We have a very thorough and humane catch-and-release program where we return these creatures to the dive bars, practice spots, and laptops equipped with outdated cracked versions of music editing software where they belong.”

The safety team has warned locals to avoid interaction with roaming musicians, saying concerned parties often offer corn chips, Adderall, or a six-pack of domestic beer, but these acts of intended kindness can disrupt their natural routine. If any such creature appears settled near your home, residents are advised to get to a safe position and may attempt to scare them off by shouting that MP3s sound just as good as vinyl.

NORTH SHORE—Calling it “on the brink of an extinction-level event,” field researchers from several local universities emphasized today that ongoing development of the North Shore has led to a staggering loss in the natural tailgating environment for the native yinzer.