Pittsburgh Unfiltered

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MILLVALE—Millvale Borough safety officials cautioned residents and motorists to remain alert over the next several weeks during the peak of load-in season, which frequently coincides with a local surge in fender benders, spilled energy drinks, and broken vintage tubes that “you can’t get anymore.”

“It’s only human to want to watch these fellas when they wander into our everyday world,” said chief EMS officer Ben Mele. “How often do you get to see a critter shrouded in black on an 80-degree day trying to lug a 2×10 bass cab for half a mile? You have to remember, though, these musicians are likely skittish, overwhelmed, and prone to sudden changes in behavior, so we’re asking everyone to keep your eyes peeled and stay at a distance, especially if they appear to start noodling in public.”

For the month of May, the Borough has opened up a 311 tip line for residents who find a musician that seems to be struggling in the environment.

“Please don’t hesitate to call if you see, say, a startled bass player separated from its group or an indie guitarist unable to move because it broke its pedal board,” said local services coordinator Emma Vaughn. “We have a very thorough and humane catch-and-release program where we return these creatures to the dive bars, practice spots, and laptops equipped with outdated cracked versions of music editing software where they belong.”

The safety team has warned locals to avoid interaction with roaming musicians, saying concerned parties often offer corn chips, Adderall, or a six-pack of domestic beer, but these acts of intended kindness can disrupt their natural routine. If any such creature appears settled near your home, residents are advised to get to a safe position and may attempt to scare them off by shouting that MP3s sound just as good as vinyl.

NORTH SHORE—Calling it “on the brink of an extinction-level event,” field researchers from several local universities emphasized today that ongoing development of the North Shore has led to a staggering loss in the natural tailgating environment for the native yinzer.

MCKNIGHT ROAD—Declaring the proposed restaurant “a cesspool of villainy and another tug at the threads that maintain this beautiful experiment that is America,” Gary “Pap” Shepherd has derailed his family’s plan for a late-morning meal as he continues to point at the map of eateries verified to use Heinz products like former Senator Joseph McCarthy shouting out a list of purported communists, per sources attempting to dissuade the 71-year-old from blocking traffic to alert motorists of the matter.

“This might be worse than when the waiter at Bob Evan’s refused to call them ‘Freedom Fries,'” said the senior Shepherd’s daughter Teresa. “At least this time he’s retired, so he doesn’t have all the stuff in his work truck to spray-paint ‘Al Qaeda 2.0’ on the exterior.”

Plans for a late breakfast or early lunch at a nearby Denny’s developed earlier in the week, but reports from within the family suggest the mood became tense after an ad on the radio during the car ride.

“We’ve already managed to ruin one Thanksgiving, two children’s birthday parties, and an assortment of family get-togethers by not having Heinz in the fridge,” said son-in-law Jarrod Briggs, “so I tried to change stations before the Heinz-verified ad could finish, but Pap’s ears had already perked and minutes later I could already see the rage in his face. If he’s pissed off, fine, but I really wish he didn’t have to storm in demanding for ‘somebody who can actually speak American [English]’ to explaining they’re not on the list, only to rush to the bathroom because of his prostate and piss all the over the seat.”

As of press time, the family had reportedly agreed on a location from the map, but quickly had to pivot after Shepherd realized he had to order his meal using a QR code.

NORTH SHORE—Building on the club’s off-season activity, the Pittsburgh Pirates have launched a new ticket package campaign this morning aimed at “total fucking duds who have never better to do on a Wednesday, so they’d might as well go to a baseball game,” team sources confirm.

“What are these shut-ins going to do instead?” asked the franchise’s assistant director of marketing Gina Zellers, appearing to reject possible alternatives with a brief male masturbatory gesture. “Go to trivia night? News for you, buddy: you don’t know anything because you just watch short-form videos on your couch and listen exclusively to music released between 2003 and 2009. Instead of pretending you still have enough hair to swoop, why not come to a Buccos game instead, you sack of shit?”

Pirates operations spokesperson Kevin Cooney discussed how the fresh campaign mirrors the team’s “more aggressive” tactics in the winter.

“We know Skenes games are an instant sellout and getting Griffin in the lineup is sure to help fill seats on a day-to-day basis,” he said. “But we need to be a complete program, from top to bottom, so what do you do when you’ve got a long reliever making the extra start and Jared Triolo is in the clean-up spot? Easy: you tell these nobodies that their FL Studio beats are dogshit, their Instagram art is derivative and toothless, and they’re better off spending three hours at PNC Park sucking down domestic tall boys and hand-scooping nachos cheese into their gullet.”

Cooney admitted concern that fans would balk at what he described as the team “shooting from the hip,” but some fans found the approach refreshing.

“Have the signings been the big splash that’s going to change the franchise? No, probably not,” said Ryan Fields of Bellevue. “But as the team has assured me via online newsletters and personalized DMs on social media, I’m an unlikable tool who’s terminally online and should come to a game if I think I know so much. I appreciate that candor. It shows they’re not planning to be pushovers this year and, frankly, they’re kind of got me figured out.”

As of press time, the team had also announced that Wednesday packages purchased this week would include 15 dollars loaded value “so maybe you actually have to talk to somebody” and a tiny violin.

GREENFIELD—A combination of several rescue crews worked for several hours this afternoon to save a five-ounce fish fillet caught under nearly 4,000 pounds of fried batter, onlookers reported.

“A handful of Good Samaritans held the fort before professionals could arrive,” said fish fry volunteer Deb Szewiczyk. “The two bigger gentlemen were biting off as much as their mouth while people got them tartar sauce and some light beer, but you can only do so much without the right tools. We’re just thankful our local heroes were able to save the little darling, so it could get tossed into a Styrofoam container of mac and cheese like it deserved.”

Lieutenant Allison Marshall of the Munhall Fire Department detailed hardships that crews faced completing the rescue.

“Every scene like this is different,” she said, wiping fryer oil from her brow. “Lot of times you see some weak points in the exterior fry to enter. Not here, though: this bad boy must’ve been triple, maybe even quadruple-battered, which meant we had to put in a lot of effort just to achieve ingress. You could tell that little fillet in there was a tender and flaky one, too, so we had to take extra precautions or the tiny thing could’ve fallen right apart in our hands before we could complete the rescue.”

Crews had little time to celebrate, however, as safety officials confirmed they were called shortly thereafter to remove a french fry that had gotten lodging under 700 pounds of Old Bay seasoning.