Pittsburgh Unfiltered

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ROSS TOWNSHIP—Spirited little man and incessant talker Riley Something or Other continues, despite all objections and inquiries about who is supposed to be supervising him, to go on about his “lifelong dream” to reside permanently inside the Ross Park Mall Cheesecake Factory, according to witnesses who just want to stop at Foot Locker.

Parental sources at the scene appeared unavailable as the self-identified nine-year-old boy assailed passersby with details of his plan and singular life goal to make home in the nearby chain restaurant.

“I’ll make money from ads on my YouTube channel about how I live in a Cheesecake Factory,” said the unrelenting menace, ignoring the typically alluring call of children having fun in the play area to enter a power struggle with any adult willing to challenge his sugar-laden machinations. “I can eat the food people leave behind and I’ll sleep in one of the booths!”

Suggestions that content-driven revenue streams are too meager to survive on and that eating strangers’ leftovers presents an array of personal and commercial health issues were quickly redirected by this little shit into attacks on critics’ appearance, tone of voice, and age.

“That’s because you’re old and nobody cares what you think,” shouted the diminutive bastard, leading a communal chant of “OLD! OLD! OLD!” with the help of a few other kids nearby.

At the time of print, previously annoyed sources had reportedly become more amenable to the proposed living arrangement following the young man’s offer of free cheesecake for life to watch him go down the slide.

STRIP DISTRICT—Representatives on behalf of the Strip District Terminal adorned themselves in heather gray shirts and assorted apparel bearing an image of the American flag this morning to mark the opening of the “boutique shopping” destination’s new Old Navy store.

“The addition of Old Navy bolsters what is already a premier experience for city residents,” said spokesperson Tom Walters. “Folks can drown themselves in liquid sugar from Starbies, play some putt-putt, power back up with a bowl of chicken, and then snag a pair of joggers alongside $78 in assorted bullshit merchandise near the register before hitting the highway back to Robinson Township.”

The value fashion chain’s district manager emphasized in a press release that the new location aims to enmesh itself in the “rich local culture” of the Terminal’s current offerings, including a cross-promotion with the nearby Chipotle to “fortify the brand’s clothing with 3x the protein it would normally have.” The company has yet to return requests for further information.

Additionally, the store will offer deals this week on its “Soul of Pittsburgh” line of hoodies and shirts, featuring the words “yinz” and “dahntahn,” while also marking down its one-use flip-flops to $4.12. Lucky customers, estimated to be one in every 1000, will have their order bag filled with french fries, brought over from “everybody’s favorite local sandwich spot,” Shake Shack.

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MILLVALE—Millvale Borough safety officials cautioned residents and motorists to remain alert over the next several weeks during the peak of load-in season, which frequently coincides with a local surge in fender benders, spilled energy drinks, and broken vintage tubes that “you can’t get anymore.”

“It’s only human to want to watch these fellas when they wander into our everyday world,” said chief EMS officer Ben Mele. “How often do you get to see a critter shrouded in black on an 80-degree day trying to lug a 2×10 bass cab for half a mile? You have to remember, though, these musicians are likely skittish, overwhelmed, and prone to sudden changes in behavior, so we’re asking everyone to keep your eyes peeled and stay at a distance, especially if they appear to start noodling in public.”

For the month of May, the Borough has opened up a 311 tip line for residents who find a musician that seems to be struggling in the environment.

“Please don’t hesitate to call if you see, say, a startled bass player separated from its group or an indie guitarist unable to move because it broke its pedal board,” said local services coordinator Emma Vaughn. “We have a very thorough and humane catch-and-release program where we return these creatures to the dive bars, practice spots, and laptops equipped with outdated cracked versions of music editing software where they belong.”

The safety team has warned locals to avoid interaction with roaming musicians, saying concerned parties often offer corn chips, Adderall, or a six-pack of domestic beer, but these acts of intended kindness can disrupt their natural routine. If any such creature appears settled near your home, residents are advised to get to a safe position and may attempt to scare them off by shouting that MP3s sound just as good as vinyl.

NORTH SHORE—Calling it “on the brink of an extinction-level event,” field researchers from several local universities emphasized today that ongoing development of the North Shore has led to a staggering loss in the natural tailgating environment for the native yinzer.

MCKNIGHT ROAD—Declaring the proposed restaurant “a cesspool of villainy and another tug at the threads that maintain this beautiful experiment that is America,” Gary “Pap” Shepherd has derailed his family’s plan for a late-morning meal as he continues to point at the map of eateries verified to use Heinz products like former Senator Joseph McCarthy shouting out a list of purported communists, per sources attempting to dissuade the 71-year-old from blocking traffic to alert motorists of the matter.

“This might be worse than when the waiter at Bob Evan’s refused to call them ‘Freedom Fries,'” said the senior Shepherd’s daughter Teresa. “At least this time he’s retired, so he doesn’t have all the stuff in his work truck to spray-paint ‘Al Qaeda 2.0’ on the exterior.”

Plans for a late breakfast or early lunch at a nearby Denny’s developed earlier in the week, but reports from within the family suggest the mood became tense after an ad on the radio during the car ride.

“We’ve already managed to ruin one Thanksgiving, two children’s birthday parties, and an assortment of family get-togethers by not having Heinz in the fridge,” said son-in-law Jarrod Briggs, “so I tried to change stations before the Heinz-verified ad could finish, but Pap’s ears had already perked and minutes later I could already see the rage in his face. If he’s pissed off, fine, but I really wish he didn’t have to storm in demanding for ‘somebody who can actually speak American [English]’ to explaining they’re not on the list, only to rush to the bathroom because of his prostate and piss all the over the seat.”

As of press time, the family had reportedly agreed on a location from the map, but quickly had to pivot after Shepherd realized he had to order his meal using a QR code.