A spontaneous study launched this afternoon by drivers throughout the Pittsburgh area aims to determine how the fuck nobody is moving even a goddamn inch, irate sources confirmed between obscenities today.
“For fuck sake, this is a highway; we shouldn’t be stopped like this,” said motorist Tommy Whalen of the unusual conditions that inspired the study’s founding while stranded on a detour for 279 southbound. “It’s not raining or any of that shit, yet here I am, with my thumb up my ass, waiting an hour to get to the next exit. What fucking gives?”
Others involved in the study hypothesized about what they believe to be the cause of the backup.
“I guess it only takes one stupid asshole to ruin the road for everybody,” said Deb Linden, who shifted responsibility for the traffic jam around the Fort Pitt Bridge between incompetent drivers, PennDOT, Bill Peduto, and God. “It’s probably some shithead who tried to get all the way over to West Carson at the last second. Or maybe they’re doing construction again. Regardless, I’m going to be sure to yell all sorts of shit at people I think are at fault once we get moving again.”
“Dickheads,” she added.
Infuriated researchers have reportedly tested blaring the horn at random intervals and shouting vulgar language at anybody with their window down, but neither has helped motorists “go more than, like, six fucking feet in the last 20 minutes.” In the meantime, study participants discussed what findings they would consider acceptable.
“Somebody had better be fucking dead up there,” said Wanda Frazier, directing her middle finger at what she suspected was emergency personnel along the Boulevard of the Allies headed towards Liberty Bridge. “I’m not talking a couple broken bones; I mean smashed-windshield, brains-on-the-dashboard dead. There should at least be some cool shit for me to look at when I remind everybody that the road is for the living.”
Meanwhile, sources have stated that other, similar research projects are already underway, meant to establish when somebody will put an end to all this misery and just where the fuck this guy riding up the shoulder thinks he’s going.
