Facing fines for a noise violation, Stanton Heights resident Phil Manna was somehow sentenced to life imprisonment without parole this morning, attributed to the dreadful performance of his legal counsel led by Steelers coordinator Keith Butler.
“I heard he spent years as the right-hand man of a highly respected veteran attorney,” Manna said of Butler, who in two court appearances reportedly demonstrated an inability “to grasp the most fundamental components of the job.” “He even talks a good game beforehand on the phone. When we were out there in the courtroom, though — God, it looked like he had never watched a court case in his entire life.”
Courtroom sources indicated that Manna’s defense team appeared disoriented and confused throughout what was expected to be a brief court session. The group allegedly missed numerous vital objections, particularly in the late stages of the ensuing trial, that Manna believes led to the extremely unsatisfying outcome.
“I’m pretty sure the prosecutor — by the way, isn’t a noise violation a civil case, like, with only a judge presiding? Why did even let him in there? Regardless, I’m almost certain he isn’t allowed to just accuse me of a murder in a different case so he can ‘wrap this thing up’ and head to lunch early. Not sure how you miss an objection easier than that.”
Court expert Dr. Nancy Ward distributed blame for the life sentence between Butler and those working under him.
“It’s true that the firm is ultimately responsible for hiring its employees,” she said. “That said, it’s absurd to think that Butler doesn’t have a say whom he wants on his team. Moreover, it’s his job to draw up a defense strategy no matter what the personnel he has, so he should still be held accountable for letting the opposing attorney march all the way up to a second-degree murder conviction in less than two minutes.”
Manna is currently filing a suit against Butler for the quagmire. He is confident that his new attorney, Marvin Lewis, “has what it takes to win when the pressure is on.”
