Local Pittsburgh Penguins fan Will Bennett, 33, expressed his excitement earlier today for the upcoming self-destructive behavior season set to begin officially on Thursday, October 4.
“I know it’s only the start of preseason, but my routine is already coming back to me,” said Bennett, putting away a six pack of Yuengling for tonight that will provide no feeling of intoxication, but still suffice to make him work through a raging headache tomorrow. “Maybe I’ll even hit up the bar down the street for a few during the game. The mortgage payment is due soon, so I should probably lay off, but fuck it — it’s not every year that hockey season gets going, right?”
“Well, I mean, I guess it is every year, but you know — hockey!”
While still eager for the season to get underway, Bennett’s friends conceded they don’t share the same commitment to self-destruction.
“I love hockey, but Will is on a whole ‘nother level,” said Riley Ward, who allegedly had to ride Bennett home from a playoff game last year after the 33-year-old had drunkenly dropped his cell phone into a urinal and couldn’t order an Uber. “It’s a live sporting event; it’s incredibly exciting. Why does he need to chug a large coffee five minutes before puck-drop to ‘get the blood flowing’? God, he must sleep like shit.”
“Let’s not even get started on the $40’s worth of food he orders on GrubHub after nearly every other game,” he added.
Other friends addressed not only Bennett’s dietary self-harm, but also the deterioration of his social interactions.
“Will is super level-headed and chill most of the time,” said Shannon Lambert. “But the season starts up and then he’ll randomly shout something at strangers about the neutral zone and time-on-ice differentials. I just hope he doesn’t try to fight anyone this year over defense pairings. I still can’t stare at his scar tissue from that without wincing.”
Bennett appeared largely unfazed by the potential drawbacks of the upcoming season.
“I think my friends are kind of jealous of my love for hockey,” he said, trying for some reason to reorganize his finances to manage the purchase of a retro Winnipeg Jets jersey. “There’s just something about the game that I find healthy for the spirit.”
“Which is good, because I’ve only had one beer and I already feel a pounding fucking headache coming on. Guess I just need to keep drinking.”
