The Senate Judiciary Committee has called on Pirates GM Neal Huntington to provide his expert testimony in the field of lying.
“We reviewed Mr. Huntington’s track record with lying,” said Chairman Chuck Grassley (R–IA), explaining yesterday why they planned to include Huntington, “and one thing was clear: he’s the best of the best. For years now, he has proven himself to be not only a clinical liar, but also an innovator in the delivery of lies. Not everybody can convincingly tell a fan base that Jeff Locke is a major league-quality starting pitcher.”
The alleged sexual misconduct of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has heavily divided political circles along party lines. However, Ranking Member Dianne Feinstein (D–CA) indicated that choosing Huntington as an expert in lying was a “unanimous bipartisan agreement,” due in large part to his extensive body of work.
“You look at the kind of things he’s done in Pittsburgh, and it just puts you in awe,” Feinstein shared before today’s hearing. “These aren’t merely a few surface lies to get through a bad stretch. His lies have kept the Pirates profitable for more than a decade — with some godawful teams and moves, too. I mean, have you seen John Russell manage a baseball game or Rod Barajas swing a bat? Dear Lord.”
Huntington stated that he was simply happy using abilities to help the process.
“Hey, I just like to go out there and tell the lies I love,” he said. “For me, the lying isn’t a job. It’s a passion, a labor of the heart. Every day, I wake up and love telling Bucco Nation that we are just ‘one win a month’ that we’ll never get short of the playoffs and two risks we’ll never take away from the pennant. I can’t help it.”
When asked if someone with his skill could still sway Kavanaugh’s nomination in the judge’s favor, Huntington was quick to respond.
“Have you heard him talk? Christ, I’m a liar, not a miracle worker.”
