Local trick-or-treaters and those watching after them be warned: Pittsburgh police and law enforcement in numerous surrounding areas and townships have issued an advisory that certain persons may be inserting priceless family items into kids’ Halloween candy, making it dangerous, if not deadly, to ingest.
“Can’t be too careful these days,” said Montgomery Townsend of the DEA, thoroughly checking his own children’s candy for a stray piece of finely crafted jade. “Sure, there have been no verified cases yet, but it’s bound to happen sooner and later — one of these years. And when it does, dammit, will we ever to be ready.”
Even with constant vigilance, authorities say there is no way to enjoy the holiday without risking some degree of potential harm by ingestion of an invaluable treasure.
“All it takes is one tiny piece of the stick Mario Lemieux used to score the game-winning goal in the 1987 Canada Cup final hidden in a Tootsie Roll and boom, you’re headed to the E.R.,” warned a spokesperson for Shaler Police. “Don’t even get me started on these social deviants willing to throw away a 1939 Ted Williams rookie card to score some sick pleasure.”
Residents expressed disbelief of hearing that some persons may intend to cause harm to children this way.
“First they say it’s drugs in candy, and now this nonsense,” said Sally Steinle, 61, who typically accompanies her young grandson around Greenfield on Halloween. “It’s terrifying that people I trust like my neighbors might be trying to hurt my family with a deftly planted piece of original-print Renaissance artwork or a slyly concealed ownership title to a 1957 Jaguar XKSS.”
As of press time, one couple in Allegheny County had rushed their son to a nearby hospital under the impression he had ingested a stray of the Magna Carta stuffed inside a Snickers. However, doctors determined any signs of illness were merely caused by the nine pounds of candy he had eaten on the ride there.
