A group of bros hailing from various parts of Allegheny County celebrated the defeat of a proposal to “victimize” them for .25 mills annually to support programs for children in need with an impromptu bar crawl resulting in more than $600 in charges, hungover sources groggily confirmed this morning.
“Highway robbery, fam,” said Kyle Fitzpatrick, originally of Pine Richland, waiting for his Chinese delivery on the suede leather sectional gifted to him by his parents. “The boys and I were so happy to keep the government’s filthy hands away from our money that we couldn’t help but grab a couple rounds. Probably didn’t need to order those two glasses of Johnnie Walker Blue Label later, but it’s not every day you get to celebrate a ‘W’ for the little guy trying to protect his trust fund, right?”
Fellow reveler Tanner Wiley, of Mt. Lebanon, said that he voted against the proposal because he can better distribute his money to deserving causes without government involvement.
“Nobody spends money more carelessly than the government,” he said, stressing that he rejected the proposal despite having done no research on it. “But that call to get a dozen boneless wings from the late-night menu — classic Wiley brilliance. Yeah, it sucked that we never touched the three extra baskets or that giant plate of loaded nachos I got, but nobody in government could do any better, especially when it comes to helping people who, like, have to shop at Goodwill or whatever.”
The last member of the trio, David Leech of Shadyside, insisted that young professionals will ultimately support worthy causes when “freed from the oppression” of extremely modest tax increases.
“It’s all transfer of wealth, so just let the good guys do their thing,” he said, ordering a novelty shirt that read ‘Free Ride on This Cowboy — No Fat Chicks’ with an added $15 for one-day shipping. “Guys like me, Tanner, and Kyle are super caring and shit, so these kids have nothing to worry about. In fact, I’ve got $25 left over from last night that I’ll donate right now.”
Leech quickly rescinded his offer, however, after receiving a text from Wiley.
“Oh shit, I guess Tanner got some chick’s number and wants to meet at Mario’s to talk strategy. We could probably just meet at one of our apartments, but fuck that — what’s the point of holding on to your money if you don’t spend it?”
