An invasion of crystallized monstrosities meant to wreak unspeakable misery upon humankind, also known as snow, has befallen Pittsburgh, making the city an impassable hellscape that no man or woman should dare try to navigate, eyewitness reports confirm.
“It’s amazing I even survived my trip to store,” said Rose Wilkins, 41, of Hazelwood, who braved several nearby streets to replenish her “vital” supply of Wonder-brand bread, lunch meat, and caffeine-free Pepsi. “I hit an ice patch, and I swear I could see my life flash before my eyes. Sure, I was on the bus, sort of daydreaming before it got to my stop, but still — scary stuff.”
Nick Balaski, 62, insists he had a notion something unsavory was afoot and immediately ordered his six-year-old grandson to count the sleeves of Ritz crackers and gallons of milk again.
“I didn’t even need to watch the news; I could sense [the snow’s] presence,” said the self-described “green beret of winter weather,” sitting on his recliner with a shotgun nearby, should the snow attempt to enter his home. “I’ve seen things no man should have to: the devastating heating bills of ’93, the cold, lifeless cars stranded a couple dozen feet from their home in 2010. Even with all the road salt in the county at our disposal, we were powerless.”
“I was hoping my grandchildren could live in a world where they wouldn’t have to face these kinds of experiences,” he added, “but I guess they all have to grow up some day.”
Brookline’s Sally Mansfield expressed confidence in her family’s preparation for any catastrophe inclement weather could bring.
“I knew this day may come, so that’s why we trained,” she said from her basement bunker, covered in Steelers memorabilia and stocked with entire pallets full of frozen hamburgers, Heinz ketchup, and Iron City pounders. “The kids and [her husband] Tom bitched to high heaven when I told them we were going to run a snow emergency drill once a week, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, I’m guessing, and I’ll be sure to check once we’re called up to build over the ruins of our city.”
If residents must take to the roadways, the Department of Public Safety urges them to employ standard local strategies for winter weather: driving 17 mph in the middle of two lanes with the hazard lights engaged or swerving wildly between lanes at 90 mph while giving fellow motorists the middle finger.
