A ‘game day prep basket’ of malt liquor, lottery tickets, and an adult magazine arrived at Pat Narduzzi’s hotel room this morning, allegedly sent by former coach Dave Wannstedt to help Narduzzi get ready for today’s ACC Championship game, hesitantly thankful sources recently reported.
“Well, this is, uh, very thoughtful of him,” Narduzzi managed to say of Wannstedt, reading a note that Playboy in the package “may be from October of 2000, but it’s still a beaut[y].” “Oh and what’s this inside: a page-by-page breakdown of the issue, highlighted with parts that both me and the lady can use after the game to ‘light the fires.’ Thanks, bud.”
The fifth-year Pitt coach confirmed that Wannstedt has shown him nothing but support over his tenure.
“From the keg of Iron City he personally delivered to me in Michigan after I got hired to the I-Roc he kept offering to buy me after beating Penn State, Wanny has been nothing short of spectacular,” said Narduzzi, as he set the beer next to the bong reportedly sent yesterday by the Baldwin native. “Honestly, I don’t always know what to do with the things he sends, like that life-sized cutout of John McClane that yells ‘yippy ki yay, motherfucker’ over and over, but it is appreciated.”
Wannstedt hinted at even more gifts he had in store, should Pitt win the conference championship outright.
“You think Pat would want to shoot at a bunch of mannequins dressed like James Franklin with a bazooka?” he asked, his computer screen angled to avoid revealing any proprietary information about his plans. “I’ll file that under ‘maybe.’ Besides, he might need a little time to recover after the ten-pound boneless wing challenge I signed us up for. I was going to stick to jalapeno honey, but I know Pat’s never one to back down from a challenge, so I get us the ‘anal fissure’ flavor instead.”
Eager to clarify that he supports all Pitt athletics, Wannstedt then pulled out the bracket for a 64-team beer pong tournament he arranged for Jeff Capel in case Pitt’s men’s basketball team wins a single game in the ACC this year.
