Middle-aged bro Doug Meiers laments the meaningless nature of today’s fistfights in the South Side compared to those he used to start as early as 2003, the 34-year-old reported last night between Irish Car Bombs.
“The violent haymakers we threw in those days were full of belief, conviction. We weren’t in it purely for senseless violence,” he said. “It was a mutual disrespect. The dude lying on the ground begging for mercy knew that you were kicking him in the abdomen for your sports team, your city, your space at the bar — not just for the thrill of injuring another human.”
Worse yet, Meiers noted that the rules of engagement have drastically changed as well, identifying this “lack of ethics” as the primary reason for his partaking in only 11 fights in 2018 — a personal low since turning 21.
“There used to be standards,” he said. “We didn’t just go to blows with a guy because he looked casually in our direction. We had more honor than that: you’d at least have to call him a homophobic slur a couple times and make sure he lightly brushed up against you once while going to the bathroom before clocking him in the head.”
“We had such purpose and ambition back then,” he reflected, ducking below a pool cue that struck another man in the back. “Gosh, how have things fallen so far?”
Nick Hauser, who knows Meiers from tending bar over the years at several establishments along East Carson Street, noted that the local bro seems to have lost the vigor that once made him a leader in the South Side fight scene.
“Doug could get a dozen guys to duke it out over a Rashard Mendenhall comment,” he said. “He was a motivator out there, always helping guys find a good reason to wish bodily harm upon another bar patron. The other day, though, I saw a dude from Philly come in and tell him the Penguins sucked ass this year. Doug just gave him the finger and took his shot of Fireball. Needless to say, it was sad to see.”
As of press time, those close to Meiers were concerned for his mental health after he declined invites to the bar to stay in and fight his neighbors instead.
