The lack of airtime for Pittsburgh-based bands on mainstream radio stations enraged South Side resident Garth Warner so much yesterday that he nearly attended a local show right down the street from his apartment, sources overcome with indignation reported this morning.
“KISS, the X, DVE — it’s all overrun with corporate bullshit,” Warner declared as he marked himself interested in twelve different shows over the next month. “Who wants to listen to the same Metallica and AC/DC songs over and over again on the commute when you could bang your head to those guys I found on Google? I don’t remember their name, but the preview of their one track I heard on my cell phone sounded pretty killer. I’ll catch them next time for sure — as long as I don’t still have to go grocery shopping or something.”
The “music ally” then chronicled the events that proceeded his overwhelming rage from earlier in the day.
“I marched right down East Carson last night ready to slam five — hell, maybe even ten bucks on the table to show that local music matters,” said Warner. “But then I remembered I had a couple of my fantasy football guys in the Saturday games, so I stayed downstairs all night pounding Yuenglings instead. I could definitely hear them rocking over the jukebox, though, and I bet my likes for the bands on Facebook were a nice boost of confidence.”
Warner stated that he plans to start “aggressively pushing” his friends to support more local endeavors, but some members of his social circle question the sincerity of his actions.
“The one night I went to Aldi to get stuff for dinner, he called me a penny-pinching pawn for capitalist tyranny,” said friend Amy Zhang. “I’ll admit it: I do go there for the deals, but I’m pretty sure those Stouffer’s pizzas Garth has stockpiled in his freezer for ’emergencies only’ aren’t made with grains and cheese from local farms, either, so he can cut the shit. That’s almost as rich as his plan to use Spotify and Pandora to bring down all the major radio stations.”
After hearing how little money local artists made from streaming services, Warner reportedly became so upset that he nearly bought one of their albums.
While driving through Lawrenceville, scouring the streets for a “punk to ask” about a local show to attend, Garth’s racing mind was quickly set to cruise control as his favorite local radio station started playing his favorite local song by his favorite local band: Cigarette by the Clarks.
And even though the Clarks had been in the “Regional” spotlight once or twice since 1997, with fans as far away as Johnstown, Garth chalked this up as a win for the little guys. The “Local” guys.