Several hundred gun advocates gathered in Downtown Pittsburgh yesterday to protest the city’s intent to use the “unspeakable evil” of common sense in proposing modest gun control, according to sources who weren’t exactly sure what those proposals were.
“Common sense is a slippery slope, my friend,” said Pete Taylor of Derry, who came to Pittsburgh for the first time to attend the rally. “First, it’s a rational response to a mass murder; next thing you know, people will be demanding that we hold members of law enforcement responsible for their actions. Christ in heaven, where will the reason ever end?
Buck Hoover of Brentwood claimed he was confused that “people who claim to be so reasonable” wouldn’t support an increased armed presence.
“It’s easy, really: more guns, more safety,” he said, hoisting a sign that read “Come get my guns, jags,” even though new legislation would only allow one’s weapons to be taken in extreme conditions under court order. “What better way to feel safe at a heated middle school basketball game than to know a couple of your parents are packing serious heat? What’s next, I shouldn’t take my handgun to laser tag in case real gunfire breaks out mid-game? That’s just criminally reasonable, if you ask me.”
Jason Tillman, one of the rally’s primary organizers, felt that the city’s attempt to introduce sensible measures to limit the accessibility of assault-grade weapons too closely resembled certain historical precedent.
“You know who else doesn’t let you have automatic weapons? Germany,” he said. “Make the connection. No automatic weapons, logic, pragmatism, laws — we all know there’s only one person who wanted that: Hitler.”
Added Hoover: “If I’m not mistaken, I think his middle name was Peduto, too. Go ahead and look it up.”
As of press time, Tillman was unable to be reached for further comment. Sources close to him said that he was headed back to his hometown of Erie, where the new legislation will have absolutely no effect on his everyday life whatsoever.
