Pirates GM Neal Huntington reportedly feels “better than ever” as spring training approaches thanks to the new high-intensity lying regimen he adopted over the summer.
“I admit that I was feeling worn down at the podium by the end of last year,” Huntington said. “I wasn’t getting the kind of power behind my lies that I’m used to and I was striking out on some bad excuses outside the zone of plausibility that I would’ve avoided in years past. So I ditched my more traditional off-season program for something modern and, boy, I haven’t felt this good lying probably since my college days.”
Huntington expanded on some of the underpinnings of his new regimen that, he believes, have made it so effective.
“It’s really grounded in the most up-to-date methods out there,” he said, noting that GMs have to lie harder than ever if they want to succeed in today’s game. “The program helped me transition from archaic lying exercises like cliches and half-hearted votes of confidence to more intensive moves like misconstrued analytics and false equivalencies. You’ve probably heard my commentary about having the ninth-best record in baseball over the last six years — that kind of advanced data cherry-picking doesn’t happen if I hadn’t been willing to change things up.”
Although the work has shown individual gains, Huntington hopes that it will ultimately benefit the entire organization.
“I don’t want this team to be content with a glimpse of post-season lying here and there,” he said. “I want us to lie with the best of them. I want to be up at that podium on the game’s biggest stage and be able to hammer the biggest damn lie Pittsburgh has ever seen. I want to tell this town with hall-of-fame caliber insincerity that we are going to win the World Series.”
Sources close to the organization say that Huntington’s words have resonated with the team’s biggest supporters. In fact, many dedicated fans were allegedly inspired enough to start modernizing the lying techniques they have been using on themselves since the mid-90s.
