The Pirates have commissioned rapper Ja Rule and imprisoned promoter Billy McFarland to begin planning a massive celebration already titled PyratesFest for the team’s “almost guaranteed” 2019 World Series championship, president Frank Coonelly excitedly revealed alongside GM Neal Huntington this morning.
“I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to bring in two of the best in the ‘biz’ to put together a World Series celebration for the ages,” said Coonelly in reference to the pair, both of whom have served or currently are in federal prison for various financial crimes. “The energy, the ambition, the intentionally misleading language aimed at deflecting any accountability for not meeting the expectations of the consumer — I think it goes without saying that these guys hold themselves to a standard perfectly in line with the Pirates way.”
GM Neal Huntington further emphasized how Ja Rule and McFarland fit well with the organization’s approach.
“When we called them about doing a celebratory event, boy, were they hungry for the opportunity,” he said, noting that this hunger may have been as much literal as figurative. “In fact, they were even willing to accept our first low-ball offer rather than our second or third, so we knew from the start we were dealing with two real professionals who understood how the Pirates love to treat their fans.”
Coonelly then seemed to address concerns he had anticipated regarding the duo’s credentials.
“People are probably wondering how we know that these two are qualified to arrange what will surely be the greatest World Series celebration in history, not to mention the ones they’ll have to plan for 2020 and 2021,” he said, disregarding a flurry of questions about the pitching rotation and whether the team would even consider an offer at market value to keep Jameson Taillon long-term. “Well, have no fear, because these guys have already put on a music festival so incredible that the event spawned not one, but two documentaries. I haven’t been able to watch them, but I don’t need to: that kind of attention-grabbing moxie is just what this organization and its fans deserve.”
“Plus, [McFarland] said he knows Bryce Harper personally and can get him to sign with us, so, needless to say, things are looking up.”
