Mayor Bill Peduto has allegedly stood outside Jeff Bezos’s house since early this morning, loudly reciting the Amazon mogul’s favorite tax concessions in hopes of winning him and his company back to the Pittsburgh area.
“Even when people said Bezos would be better off with a hotshot from ‘the big city,’ Bill never gave up,” said spokesperson for the Office of the Mayor Lindsay Sheppard. “He may not be mayor of the fanciest city or friends with a ton of famous people, but he knows what counts most: gratuitous tax breaks and a promise of unwavering servitude to his corporate masters.”
Sources say Amazon’s decision to put headquarters in New York City and the Washington, D.C. area weighed heavily upon the mayor. However, when reports surfaced of legislative challenges the company faced in the state of New York, Peduto was reportedly unable to focus on anything else.
“I’ve never seen him so enamored,” said aide Tyrone Hardy. “He was in such a fuss about how to win [Bezos] back, he skipped lunch and canceled all his meetings. Crazier yet, I don’t think he’s sent a snarky tweet in, like, six hours.”
As of press time, Peduto was reportedly promising Bezos “the sun, the moon, $8 billion, and all of Hazelwood.”
