Pirates manager Clint Hurdle has reportedly struggled to get himself out of bed this morning and thereby acknowledge the start of his ninth season with the team, according to sources hearing repeated shouts of “No!” and “Why?!” emanate from his room.
“Jesus, Clint, there’s a million ways you could’ve gotten yourself out of this mess,” a gruff, 61-year-old-sounding man allegedly said between apparent pounds on the bedside end table. “You could’ve called a winter press conference, put on the waterworks, said ‘regrettably’ you need to step away to spend time with your family, and washed your hands clean of this quagmire. No, instead you had to hold a winter press conference and tell fans you expect a team with no infield to compete for the World Series.”
“Dear God, what have you done?” he allegedly added after several minutes of crying.
Sources say the man presumed to be Hurdle then traced his lamentable position back to “chicken shit” decision-making in signing an extension with the Pirates in 2017.
“Seriously, four fucking years?” hotel staff reported overhearing from a part of Hurdle’s suite near the bathroom mirror. “You could’ve walked off into the sunset, sipped on cocktails for a year or two, and then landed some sweet hitting coach’s deal in the western sun. But let’s go with your idea, genius, and let a man who’s never met a lie he didn’t like convince you that $1.125 million is worth six more months of shitty weather and an even worse lineup. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
Hotel manager Wyatt Thompson said Pirates staff and players exhibit an established pattern of behavior when they stay in Clearwater, Florida.
“Another year of the Pirates,” he said, telling staff that Hurdle will be fine in an hour or two. “Huntington calls downstairs and tries to trade off current amenities in his room for ones he thinks will be better a few years down the road, the goofy guy with the glasses counts money all night, and a lot of the players just stare for hours. The one time it was so bad with Jared Hughes, we had to bring in animal control to get him out.”
As of press time, Thompson was preparing to send room service to Hurdle’s suite for his customary 11 a.m. emotional support hug.
