Stuck at yet another Pittsburgh-based fish fry for Lent, Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ admitted he “would totally kill a man in cold blood right now” in return for a steak wedgie from Angelo’s in Bloomfield.
“Seriously, I’d end a dude for some of that savory, cheesy goodness,” said Jesus, reticently taking a bite into his fifth fried cod sandwich of the evening. “And that’s just for a few bites of the thing. Hell, I could probably be convinced to off an entire family for a whole one of them covered in red pepper flakes.”
The Son of God then bemoaned his influence which brought about the Catholic tradition to abstain from meat on Lenten Fridays.
“Way to have some foresight, shithead,” he said to himself before remarking that his side of macaroni and cheese would be “a whole lot better if it were a fucking pepperoni roll.” “So much for all that heavenly wisdom. Why couldn’t you have encouraged the mortals to give up something dumb like corn? But no, this holy idiot got them to think it’d be a good idea to fast from meat as a sign of humility towards the poor who can’t afford it.”
“Goddammit, am I sick of these sandwiches,” he added, dismissively tossing his plate into the trash.
Jesus’s indignation did not go unfelt. Mrs. Nancy Russell of Oakland, 68, noted she could sense a conflicting presence while french fries at a local church fish fry.
“It was really weird,” she said. “At first, I felt as though I were being cradled in a warming, calming light, but then I heard this outside voice in my head say, ‘Man, I’d knock the teeth right out of this old hag’s mouth for one glorious taste of that juicy steak.’ Needless to say, I went straight to church and prayed for Jesus’s guidance.”
As of press time, Jesus had reportedly conceded to rescind his threat against Russell if she at least brought him an order of Angelo’s garlic knots instead.
