The new development plan for the former Civic Arena site “will not be a mere copy” of the North Shore, as local douchebags will be able to live there as well as indulge in overpriced food and binge drinking, Penguins executives and city representatives recently revealed.
“The end result will be absolutely nothing like what you see on the North Shore,” said Sports & Exhibition Authority representative Taylor Albright, showing a mock-up sketch of a man offering to buy a heavily intoxicated woman more Fireball only a short distance from his condominium. “While alpha males and women with hair scorched from too much platinum blond dye are cabbing from all over to regretfully order a $15 plate of nachos or puke all over a sidewalk on the North Shore, this new development will enable these fine folks to do it a few minutes from their front door.”
According to team president David Morehouse, the Penguins have worked tirelessly with developers to ensure they were designing a neighborhood, not an “event-dependent location.”
“We hope to make this arena district more than a pre- and post-game destination,” he said. “We want to nurture it into a healthy community where $500 bar tabs, underwhelming hot wings, and commercial excess are all part of an insufferable cultural fabric. Why wait for a weekend or a decent ball game to be so unstable you are forcibly removed from the premises when you could do all that on a random Wednesday in February?”
Kevin Acklin, who will oversee the project, wanted to emphasize its potential for serving the Lower and Upper Hill.
“This plan is so ambitious, we are confident that we’ll have plenty of avenues to placate local neighborhoods and their leaders with empty promises,” he said. “Unlikely-to-be-fulfilled suggestions of restoring historic jazz venues, a 20-percent quota of ‘affordable’ living space that will be rendered moot by the surrounding cost of living or lack of resources — honestly, you name it, we can pretend to support it.”
“You’ve seen how capital investment has rapidly changed places like East Liberty and Lawrenceville,” Acklin added. “And with this vision of ours, we have no doubt that we can make the arena area just as unlikable before you know it.”
