New Raiders WR Antonio Brown has purchased a billboard in the Los Angeles area to help cultivate a combative relationship with quarterback Derek Carr before practices even begin, the star reported this morning.
“People underestimate how long it takes to develop that all-pro level of petty resentment,” Brown said, noting that it took several seasons for him to feel comfortable perpetuating meaningless grudges against Ben Roethlisberger. “Guys will wait four, five weeks into the season to start making passive-aggressive post-game comments about coaches and teammates, when they could be sewing conflict with expensive public displays of defiance as early as March. I know from my years of experience as a loose cannon that the faster you inexplicably lash out at someone on your team, the better.”
Brown explained that the billboard serves as one component of a multi-faceted plan. Social media, for instance, fulfills a “huge role” in the former Steeler’s plans.
“Oh yeah, you have to be as unpredictable as possible,” he said. “I’ve been sure to like and re-tweet everything Derek puts online: pictures, videos, stupid memes and shit — anything. That way, if things really start to turn sour mid-season, I can pull a 180 and point out how he cried like a bitch last year when he got hit. That’ll be sure to take our tenuous, uncomfortable bond to a whole new level.”
Coach Jon Gruden loves his newest acquisition’s proactive approach.
“That’s what you like to see out of a guy,” he said. “Ready to come out on the field or in the streets and show everybody that, if he isn’t a top-three receiver statistical by season’s — our record aside, of course, and can you blame him? — that he’s going to take it out on our most important player. I think we can agree that there are few players in the league that have reached that echelon of innately unlikable behavior.
Meanwhile, Steelers captain Ben Roethlisberger has welcomed the team’s latest signees in his typical warm fashion, happily blaming them for workout miscues and blocking them on Twitter for saying hi.
