When you prepare to start the grind that is the NHL playoffs, bad news is the last thing you want.
That’s what the Penguins got this morning, however, as top winger Jake Guentzel has reportedly consumed nothing over the last three days but his signature milkshake from The Milkshake Factory, potentially limiting his impact on tonight’s opening-round matchup against the New York Islanders.
“Despite all the ads, I had never actually had one,” said Guentzel, carefully licking his fingers for any remnants of milkshake or dessert product. “But the boys have always told me how hard it is to win in this game and to take nothing for granted, so I decided to treat myself on Sunday. Next thing I know, it’s 4 a.m. this morning and I’m desperately asking the cashier for 19 to-go cups and if she thinks TSA will let me take them on the flight.”
“I guess these are the perils of success,” he added between slurps.
Noting Guentzel’s absence from practice, Penguins staff acted quickly.
“We had anybody we could get out looking for Jake: police, headhunters, psychic mediums,” said coach Mike Sullivan. “At some point, a bit of ice cream must have made his finger slip on the phone because I could hear him demanding they put more hot chocolate sauce and whipped topping on the most recent shakes he had ordered. I knew the scene was going to be gruesome, but I sped over as fast as I could.”
From there, the team enacted various measures.
“I tried offering him a vegetable and he literally growled at me,” said head athletic trainer Chris Stewart. “His brain must have been so beset with sugar that he had become a baser form of himself for a while. Even when we flew his family in to stage an impromptu intervention in the store, we still were only able to convince him to give up one of the two shakes he had in his hands.”
Winger Phil Kessel allegedly gorged himself over this stretch as well, but Penguins executives insisted they were “extremely pleased” that he limited himself to only two dozen slushies, 50 meatball subs, and one barrel of Doritos.
