Pirates broadcaster Greg Brown gave a moving guest sermon this Easter morning on how Christ rose from the dead to “absolutely hammer” a 483-foot home run that secured a Pirates victory in extra innings, puzzled but enthused sources reported.
“I’ve never heard the story of Christ’s resurrection told with such flair,” said pastor Stewart Ondek. “Not that I didn’t like it, to be sure. I just didn’t recall things like the apostle Peter, for instance, being a ‘tough-as-nails flamethrower’ or having a ‘nasty backdoor slider’ in the more traditional accounts.”
“Moreover, I’m fairly certain there is no documentation suggesting that Jesus ever yelled ‘Arriba!'” he added.
Many who attended the mass spoke favorably of Brown’s retelling of the traditional Easter passages, citing particularly dramatic sections where he “kept [the congregation] wanting more.”
“I’ve heard the tale of Jesus returning from the dead more than 200 times,” said regular churchgoer Martha Lindenbaum. “But [Mr. Brown] knew how to spice things up. When Pontius Pilate started ‘throwing heat up and in’ to back Christ off the plate, I found myself standing up and shouting to toss that bum out of the game.”
Some fellow congregants, in fact, found that Brown’s sermon reinvigorated their faith.
“I nearly wept when Jesus hit that bomb into the river in the top of the 12th,” said Bob Wright. “Hearing about the savior flip His bat on that bastard Pilate and take a slow stroll around the bases — it was like discovering our warmth of our Lord all over again.”
Brown was content to have spread the word of Christ’s achievements at the plate to others.
“That 19-pitch at-bat he toughed out to get a sacrifice fly, the famous bunt he ran out for an infield single with a strained calf — I love them all,” Brown said. “Still, nothing gets me more pumped than Jesus cracking one deep because then everybody knows it’s LORD ALMIGHTY, LORD ALMIGHTY, THAT BALL IS OUT OF SIGHT-Y — holy cannonball coming!”
As of press time, Brown was talking in great detail about the time Moses threw a no-hitter for the Bucs while high on myrrh and frankincense.
