Admittedly “getting a little carried away,” food giant Kraft Heinz announced the release of their latest crossover that blends the best elements of ketchup and third-wave ska band Mustard Plug.
“The success of our ‘Kranch’ and ‘Mayochup’ products opened a Pandora’s box of condiments,” said Kraft Heinz assistant VP Deborah Wilcox to the assembled media. “Ever since, we’ve had our folks out there trying to combine ketchup with anything they could get their hands out — for better or worse. While Poison Ivychup and Ketchacado may never see the light of day, we hope this new Mustchup Plug variety, with its slick checkerboard color scheme and smooth, upbeat flavor tones, will help us reach new heights.”
Company spokesperson Robert Stern wanted to emphasize the “immense sacrifice” made by employees to cultivate the new line of products.
“We want to honor the good men and women we’ve lost out there in the line of duty,” Stern noted, showing on the screen behind him the names and faces of seven employees who have died while seeking out new ways to modify ketchup. “This latest ‘skatastic’ ketchup line is no different: we have several fine people who willingly dragged their reputation and good name through the mud, attending ska shows, ‘skanking’ in public, and living the ska life to help this product reach its full potential. I want to thank them now and forever. God have mercy on us all.”
According to inside sources, feedback from consumers has proven mixed so far.
“I think it tastes pretty decent,” wrote customer Brad Holt in a highly recommended online review, “but I might have put too much on my fries. I started to get these back-and-forth leg spasms where I’d suddenly just hop in the air. Then there were the intense cravings I had to wear suspenders and a fedora — I really hope I can still cancel that Amazon order.”
Medical professionals have warned parents to head to the emergency room immediately if their child rapidly develops an unusual interest in playing brass instruments or spontaneously calling people Rudy.
