The fine people at Millcraft are on a mission — not just to plant a 15-acre entertainment zone along the Ohio River, but also to make its environmental impact a little friendlier for whoever is left to live in the city.
You heard it right: the $700 million Esplanade project will be powered solely through the very renewable energy source of people leaving Pittsburgh. What foresight!
“It’s important to make the most of an area’s assets,” said Millcraft spokesperson Hiro Klein. “In Pittsburgh’s case, there was its leaders’ willingness to trade away the town’s character for visibility and, of course, people leaving en masse to live in Beaver County, one of the coasts, or, goodness me, Ohio. Lucky for us, we’ve been able to maximize the potential of both.”
Lucky indeed! Earlier today, Mayor Peduto publicly expressed his excitement for the project’s sustainability plan, fearing people might miss the news amid concerns of crumbling bridges, safe drinking water, and affordable living.
“For decades now, we have squandered the all-natural energy emanating from the thousands of families and individuals packing up their belongings to move literally anywhere else,” he said. “Not to mention that produced by vehicles loaded to the brim with clothes and furniture, speeding as fast as bottleneck outbound traffic will allow. Well, moving forward, I can happily say that now you can fire up your U-Haul for the good of our fair city!”
In the meantime, Millcraft has laid out the amenities it has considered for the development, including a two-acre “urban lagoon,” a place to hunt the poor for sport, and an ice rink.
