SHADYSIDE — Former South Side resident and insufferable fuckboy Tom Keefe decided he is ready to “grow up” and embrace his next stage of life as a Shadyside-based fuckboy, the 25-year-old confirmed between posts on Snapchat and Instagram of his “sick” studio apartment.
“Even living here a couple weeks, I already feel more centered,” said Keefe, who sources claim has exhibited no significant changes in behavior or personality beyond a sudden interest in bourbon and Eastern philosophy. “I must just be a natural social chameleon, you know? Like, I don’t want to brag, but I’ve gone from most lit regular at Mario’s South Side Saloon to most chill regular at Mario’s East Side Saloon in no time.”
According to bank records, Keefe has spent nearly twice as much on housing, food and beverage, and clothing as he did last month. He maintained, however, that his growth manifests in other areas of life, including how he approaches work.
“Senior assistants to the social media manager can’t invite co-workers to talk shop about the company’s most important Tweets and hashtags over shots of Fireball on a Tuesday night,” he said. “That’s what has been so nice about half-priced wine on Wednesday: you can show everybody you’re a man on the rise, but still make some headway with the cute intern in the office, if you catch my drift.”
“Stupid East Carson dudes,” he added. “When are they going to realize you don’t win over women with cheap beer and pickup lines, but with fancy watches and casual mentions of something Buddha said?”
Though skeptical at first, Keefe’s older sister Amelia, 33, admits to having seen some changes in her brother.
“I mean, it looks like he took down the Family Guy posters and beer pong championship trophy, so that’s good,” she said. “Not sure that a Hunter S. Thompson poster and Joe Rogan merchandise is much of an upgrade, though. Then there’s that bookshelf: he does realize he shouldn’t openly refer to his two copies of ‘Fight Club’ and the Tucker Max book as literature, right?”
“I love him, though,” she continued. “Doesn’t matter if he’s a Natty-chugging South Side fuckboy, a money-hungry Shadyside fuckboy, or an elitist South Hills fuckboy, he’ll always be my brother…and a fuckboy.”
