BOSTON — “Oppressed and outraged” Boston Bruins fans intend to host their own championship parade in response to the St. Louis Stanley Cup championship parade that began today at noon, according to sources asking passersby “what the fuck [they’re] looking at.”
“There is a long, storied history to Boston sports,” said co-organizer Mack Harding with a small collection of fervent Bruins fans behind him. “Now that way of life is under attack more than ever, and this so-called ‘Stanley Cup victory parade’ is just another punch to the face.”
“Why are the St. Louis Blues so special that they get their own championship parade? How about a championship parade for the Bruins and the Average Joes here in Beantown, am I right, boys?” he asked to furious cheers from the several dozen gatherers.
Critics of the counter-parade have argued that league structures and rules systemically favor Boston franchises, but supporters insist they have achieved success in spite of these circumstances, not because of them.
“The major sports leagues have always conspired against Boston teams,” said supporter Johnny Wilson, trying to choose between, among others, his 2008 Celtics championship shirt, 2011 Bruins championship shirt, 2018 Red Sox championship shirt, or 2004, 2014, or 2016 Patriots championship shirt. “Just look at the way those dick refs and do-nothing league executives harass Brad Marchand. The man just wants to exercise his God-given right to play hockey, but he gets demonized just for biting a few thumbs or punching a guy in the head.”
Sources say the proposed championship parade has yet to acquire any official sponsorship, save for Massachusetts-based Barstool Sports.
“We are happy to stand behind the world’s most persecuted and victimized fan base: Boston’s,” said Barstool spokesperson Tanner James. “To our brethren in B-town, we are sending a full array of half-naked dancers — we’re talking straight smoke shows here — and ten kegs of Sam Adams lager. If Blues fans can celebrate their championship, then so can we!”
As of press time, organizers have reportedly chosen Eli Manning to marshal the parade. They could not be reached for comment to explain their choice, however, as they needed to break up the several fistfights that had broken out between their supporters instead.
