OAKLAND — Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh warned this morning that continual unabated commercial real estate development could result in the city becoming one massive luxury apartment complex by sometime in 2021.
“Just look around you — the signs are everywhere,” said Dr. Kevin Norton. “The local residential environment just can’t handle this amount of private swimming pools, vegan juicers, and aspiring pro Instagram accounts. It’s only a matter of time until the parking garages of these complexes start tying into one another, and then you won’t be able to take a step around this city without running into a $2000-per-month one-bedroom apartment or a built-in Starbucks.”
Fellow researcher Dr. Ruby Winn discussed some of the more notable findings of their work.
“What really blew us away was the alarming increase in craft brew and gastropub activity,” she said, pointing a dark red cloud hovering over downtown that spread over the metro area. “They’re highly invasive commercial concepts, and the local corner bar population is suffering because of it. I wouldn’t be surprised to see your everyday bar and grill added to the endangered property list by the end of the calendar year.”
Not everyone considers these results negative, however, including property development company CEO Spencer Hillman. He spoke derisively of the situation laid out by the research team.
“This supposed real estate crisis is nothing but cooked-up nonsense,” he said. “If Pittsburgh is covered with nothing but lofts and studio apartments, then that just means there’s a nice spot next to a barely usable urban beach or a Whole Foods for everyone, right? So I say let’s stop worrying about sustainability, kick back with a $12 snifter of Belgian sour, and let nature do its thing.”
Secondary research focused on the metro warned of similarly concerning patterns. For instance, evidence suggested that Wexford could become one massive prefabricated mansion with a lone middle-aged white man outside hosing the lawn by as soon as next week.
