DOWNTOWN, NORTH SHORE — Adding to the fervor of the Picklesburgh event, Kraft Heinz announced today it plans to release a pickle-based sex toy by the end of 2019.
“People, especially in Pittsburgh, already demand our ketchup on fries, chicken, their partner’s throbbing member — pretty much everything,” said Kraft Heinz spokesperson Shawna Reed. “Now we’re ready to conquer the world of brined cucumber. You’ve already been sticking our pickles down your throat, so why not try shoving them up your ass?”
Company’s marketing executive Jan Waldermann stated that the new product, tentatively branded “dilldos,” reflects consumers’ changing tastes.
“For years, “she said, “Americans never strayed from classics like burgers and vag. Now people are more explorative, looking for non-meat alternatives or to munch on some ass. We’re confident the dilldo’s gluten-free, vegan briney secretions are the perfect complement — be it bean burgers or a healthy mouthful of rectum.”
Assistant designer Harvey Wonker argued that the complete pickle marital aid package will provide a fully sensory experience.
“We hope to include several other pickled sex items before we’re done,” he said, testing a whip he had fashioned from pickle skins. “We’re talking pickle cuffs, pickle lubes, pickle-ribbed condoms, and that’s just the start. We want people unable to get aroused without the delicious sensation of a Heinz pickle product. Christ, they ate Kranch, so why not this?”
As of press time, sources at the festival also suggested trying the pickle toothpaste, pickle Bengay, or finding a new hobby.
(Photo credit: @jonstefaniak)
