NORTH SHORE — Owners of the Bloomfield Shursave IGA on Liberty Ave. intend to acquire the naming rights to Heinz Field at the conclusion of the 2021 season, according to sources reminding customers that dice games are forbidden in the parking lot.
“It’s going to be great to see our name become a marquee throughout the city,” said store manager Hank Walters. “When I hear the announcer say ‘Your Pittsburgh Steelers have entered the Dutch loaf for $1.99 per pound redzone’ for the first time, I’ll be trying my hardest not to break into tears of joy.”
The deal remains in its preliminary stages, as both sides are reportedly cooperating to determine how the discount grocer will pay for the rights.
“We’ve been collecting change we find on the floor every night, so that’s already nine bucks right there,” Walters said with regard to the costs expected to eclipse $5 million per year. “Between that, cutting down on employees snatching cookies from the bakery cabinet, and the six tons of Ekrich Virginia Brand ham we have sitting on pallets in the back, we’re confident we can make up the rest.”
Sources say the Steelers have balked, however, at Shursave’s other cross-marketing proposals, including “reimagining” famous moments in team history.
“Nobody on the team side is thrilled with the idea of Joe Greene throwing a young fan a gallon jug of Turner’s tea,” said arbitrator Pam Williams. “Nor are they keen on referring to Jerome Bettis as ‘The Shopping Cart.’
“Lastly,” she continued, “the Steelers are adamant that Franco Harris would not have been that desperate and excited to have caught a bag of reduced-price produce — especially when it looks like that.”
(Photo credit: @jonstefaniak of @fuckyeahdinosaurs)
