OAKLAND — Citing concerns for public disruption and safety, South and North Oakland residents have jointly renewed their petition to cull the area’s overgrown freshmen population now during its prime migration period, neighborhood sources confirmed today.
“Every year, long-standing citizens of Oakland face the dangers of the free-roaming wild freshmen overrunning our streets, walkways, and coffee shops,” said Oakland Safety Alliance member Audrey Baker. “And every year, we’re told that it’s a ‘natural’ part of their migration habits. Well, that same nature includes chucking Natty Light cans everywhere and blindly crossing the street at 2 a.m. to buy Red Bull and Doritos, so we aim to stop it before somebody here gets seriously hurt.”
The petition specifically requests that the wild freshmen population be reduced by a “fair and reasonable” 25 percent by the end of summer. It leaves the means “open to discussion,” including “archery, grain alcohol traps,” and even controversial use of Domino’s pizza. Many locals find the proposed measures necessary to maintain safety.
“Just the other day I was with my granddaughter, and this pack of wild freshmen just darted out in front of my SUV,” said Mei Juan Ng, looking at a few pictures she had saved of wild, seemingly intoxicated freshmen wandering near her house. “Those things don’t even pay attention. Imagine if I had hit one or two of them; my poor granddaughter would have never been the same.”
“I know natural selection takes care of some of them, but it’s clearly not enough,” she added.
Also facing backlash from community groups, Pitt officials maintained that the university only attracts freshmen who pose no threat to the area at large.
“Pitt’s habitat is ideally managed to lure only those freshmen who are perfectly docile and mild-mannered,” said university spokesperson Kaya Clarkson. “Sure, they may sometimes scurry thoughtlessly across Fifth or Forbes in search of other wild freshmen at a house party on Semple Street, but that’s a small price to see nature’s beautiful cycle of naive teenagers learning to chug vodka.”
“Besides,” she continued, “if people saw our cost of tuition outlook over the next several years, they would realize we are doing everything in our power to keep the freshmen population as exclusive as possible.”
