GREEN TREE — Designated driver Tom Francis, 33, failed to earn a spot on the final roster of the “Black and Gold, Keg’s Ice Cold” tailgate despite the group’s desperate need for a fan at that position, sources despondently staring at their glass of water confirm.
“I was sure that my year had finally come,” said Francis, who has reportedly bounced between nine different tailgates over the past four preseasons. “This group lost several core participants in the off-season, and all the returning tailgaters already had at least one DUI, so I felt like a lock to snag that driver’s seat. If they want to run that risk, fine, but they could at least have the decency to stop texting me for a ride from the bar.”
Francis allegedly tried to diversify his style of tailgating to make him a more attractive addition to the roster, but to no avail.
“In the past, I made limited visible impact: I’d have a few sodas and just hang by the TV or radio to check for pregame updates,” he said. “So this year I started manning the grill, hoisting people up for keg stands, and I even did the worm a couple times when they were blasting music. And for what? Now both my pride and my back hurt like hell.”
Tailgate manager Bart Winkler acknowledged that the group needed a “culture change” after leading the league in Uber, Lyft, and tow fees last season, but he asserted that there were other critical factors to consider when trimming their roster.
“Tom had a solid preseason; he was a real ‘Steady Eddie’ out there,” he said. “But when it comes to the regular season, this tailgate needs performers, not your dime-a-dozen driver and grill man. How was I going to explain to everyone that I let a guy go who spits fire from a mouthful of rum to keep a dude whose favorite radio station is 3WS?”
As of press time, sources report that another tailgate had added Francis to its practice squad at a drinking position, but released him immediately upon discovering his drink of choice was White Claw.
