LATROBE — New Giant Eagle sales associate Trevor Burke, 18, puked several times before his first Steelers Sunday shift this morning as if he were a fledgling draftee preparing to attack Nazi fortifications on the beaches of Normandy, according to sources telling him to get his “shit together” if he wants to make it out alive.
“Burkey heaved up half his insides before we even hit the registers,” said 29-year Giant Eagle veteran Larry Draper. “Had to have a couple of the boys hold him down so he didn’t punch out and abandon ship. He’s hanging on, but I can see him pinned down by heavy crossfire of complaints from a senior couple who believe something should’ve been on sale.”
“WE NEED ASSISTANCE AT REGISTER 12! I REPEAT, WE NEED ASSISTANCE AT REGISTER 12 — NOW! GO! GO! GO!” he added in hopes of helping the struggling novice hire.
Management clarified, however, that they did not consider Burke’s adverse reaction out of place.
“I’ve seen it all,” said shift manager Daisy Hixenbaugh, eyeing a missing chunk of her left index finger she claimed to have lost during a vicious Advantage Card exchange in 2006. “Crying for mama, prayer — when you catch a glimpse of those rotten ketchup-loving bastards ready to hit you with every last expired coupon they’ve got, it’s easy to let your animal instincts take over. Hell, I’ve even had a lad piss himself before sprinting full force to relieve a fellow cashier battling a vicious wave of drunk tailgaters.”
The 18-year-old admitted to experiencing personal changes several hours into the shift.
“Everyone says you’re never the same after the first time you stare a man dead in the eyes 20 minutes before kickoff and tell him we no longer accept checks, but I never thought it’d be this crazy,” said the St. Vincent freshman. “All I know is that I’ve suddenly developed a taste for Marlboro Reds and keep saying I wouldn’t mind ‘a quick nip of the sauce.’ I don’t even know what means, but my body just…wants it.”
At press time, Burke was reportedly engaged in fierce verbal crossfire with a woman who did not understand why he was unable to give a $24 package of steak that wasn’t scanning to her for free.
