BLOOMFIELD — Italians from around the region came together over the weekend to celebrate Christopher Columbus’ “noble mission” of convincing natives of the lands he visited to believe that Caliente’s Mee-Maw is in fact the “one true” pizza in America.
“I think the man gets a bad rap,” said Dominic Pisano. “I bet those Indians were happy choking down the equivalent of white bread and ketchup before Columbus forced them to step into the glorious light of aged Parmesan and olive oil. Was he ignorant, oppressive, and instrumental in the wholesale slaughter of peaceful people? Maybe. But in their suffering, they were given the great gift of salvation…from inferior pizza.”
Recently discovered historical documents reportedly reveal that the controversial Italian explorer “never shut the fuck up” about the specialty pizza during the journey, ultimately forging discontent among his followers.
“It sheds a lot of light on the mutiny stories,” said Professor of European History and Studies Dr. Daysia Patterson of the new findings. “These journal entries claim [Columbus] kept rambling on about the ‘five-day fermented dough’ even when the vessels’ staff complained of bugs in their food. Once he started insisting crewmen wear silk tunics embroidered with ‘I Love the Mee-Maw,’ it’s easy to see why they just wanted to bludgeon him to death and go back home.”
The weekend festivities were not free of conflict, though. Critics called Columbus’ tactics dealing with indigenous groups “manipulative and coercive.”
“It’s one thing to share something you love with new people,” said Mia Ceriani. “It’s another altogether to harass them into abandoning pizzerias they’ve loved for generations in some self-righteous claim that your way is the only one. Columbus’ infamy gets even worse when you look at how he tried to demand the civilization’s entire cache of gold for a single barrel of a so-so Double IPA.”
As of press time, the local pizza chain had allegedly sent staff to unexplored neighborhoods southeast of Pittsburgh to hand out slices of the Mee-Maw. Sources say, however, that the group unknowingly ended up in Steubenville after a wrong turn onto the highway.
