ETNA — Fall temperatures have prompted local man Paul Novak to begin his now annual transition to “full-length jorts” that he personally fashioned from previously removed stretches of denim, according to sources contentedly looking at themselves in the mirror.
“Getting to be that time of year,” Novak said, “where I move over to the full-lengths until springtime. They don’t have the air flow or rugged good looks of their jort counterpart, but sometimes you have to go with function over fashion.”
The Sharpsburg resident revealed that he only started wearing jeans, or “jort extensions,” last fall after a moment of clairvoyance.
“Before that, I was always stuck picking between my jorts or sweats,” Novak said. “Or Zubaz, of course, if the mood struck. Then I got to thinking: what if there were some way to combine the warmth of sweatpants with the fashionable denim look of jorts? Boom — full-length jorts.”
“Can’t believe it took me this long to think of it,” he added. “I’ve got to imagine there’s a real market out there for this kind of thing.”
Friends of Novak, who have reportedly avoided explaining that normal-length jeans are in fact the origin of jorts, hope to see their friend eventually adhere to normal views of fashion.
“I sat there quietly when Paul tried to show me his ‘duct tape prototype,’ so I can’t say anything about them now,” said Tammy Baker. “Now that his mom is sewing them together for him, at least it comes off like the stitching might be intentional. Now we just have to get him to stop wearing those shirts with puns about the Browns and feces every time I set him up with a girlfriend of mine.”
As of press time, sources say Novak was showing off his latest pair of altered jean shorts at a nearby bar, where he ordered a “mini-sized” beer that was actually a standard 12 oz. can.
