DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — A local judge issued introverted felon Seth Larson a sentence this morning of up to nine minutes in person at this Friday’s Light Up Night, aghast sources barely managed to confirm before fainting.
“The court tells my client to accept the decision and move on, but there are far-reaching consequences,” said defense attorney Kali Monroe. “The 80 minutes he’ll spend stuck in local traffic before he can even serve his time next to the main stage are enough to break a man, let alone the psychological toll he’ll endure trying to find on-street parking. I’d expect this kind of Draconian distortion of ‘justice’ in North Korea, but not here.”
Judge Samantha Watkins admitted to the severity of her ruling in her final address of the trial.
“I understand that this sentence is highly punitive,” she said before the court. “But before the defendant re-enters society he must first pay his debt to it, particularly the throng of it that only drives in the city once a year and thinks $25 is a fair price for a coffee mug with ‘yinz’ on it.”
Larson said he anticipated such a sentence, so he started “training” prior to appearing in court.
“My brother has been trying to toughen me up,” he said. “We’ve been going to Market District on Sundays and riding the bus during rush hour, and I think it’s paid off: at first, I could only manage two stops, but now I make it to six or seven before screaming into the void and begging for mercy.”
Larson’s counsel reportedly intends to appeal for a reduced sentence of six minutes waiting to the use men’s room during halftime at a Steelers game or, preferable to either outcome, the electric chair.
