PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
“Some people like to treat our donation centers like their personal dumpsters,” said Ross Township manager Doug Pullman, gesturing at a toaster with a mangled plug and a professional-grade Rudolph jersey sticking out of Christmas wrapping paper. “They think because we often serve underprivileged communities that our shoppers will take whatever they can get. What if you were a person in need and somebody offered you old socks with the soles worn through, a lamp that didn’t turn on, or the jersey of a player incapable of completing even short-yardage passes in the face of literally any pressure?”
Pullman explained that company protocol now recommends each location put most of the jerseys in the incinerator to help power the store. The practice was reportedly established after dealing with similar circumstances in the past.
“Those Limas Sweed jerseys still haunt my dreams sometimes,” he said, visibly shaking for a moment. “We had piles and piles of them, but the waste people with the city [of Pittsburgh] refused to take them on the grounds that they qualified as a ‘contaminant.’ Luckily, we figured out that we could use them to keep the place warm during any polar vortex conditions. In fact, we were burning so many Jarvis Jones jerseys the one year that we had to keep a door open until we found a good balance.”
Pullman said they manage to make the most of the situation, but still implore customers to find a different means to dispose of the jersey or, better yet, re-purpose it.
“Use it around the house to wear when you have to fix the sewer line — or to line a dog crate or serve as a pee pad,” he suggested. “Whatever you do, don’t think that you have the right to pawn off unwanted items on people of lesser means. If I can manage to make use of my Tommy Maddox jersey, you can do the same for your trash, too.”
