Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!
Reserve Township, 10:53 p.m. — Fulfilling numerous last-minute, curse-laden requests, Santa unloads all his Hodges and Rudolph merchandise at the landfill.
Shadyside, 11:37 p.m. — Santa meets Mayor Bill Peduto and the two perform a beard-driven Fusion Dance, turning into an even denser-bearded man who incidentally tries to give everyone else’s gifts to Jeff Bezos.
Bloomfield, 12:16 a.m. — Santa uses Christmas magic to reopen Pollock’s, only to undo it minutes later after nearly getting stabbed…again.
Pitt Campus, 12:38 a.m. — Santa gives every resident at Litchfield Towers a CCAC brochure and, fail that, a check covering two weeks of wage garnishment. Students at Duquesne are given a Bible and note reading “Good luck.”
Uniontown, 1:01 a.m. — Santa goes into shock after thinking he traveled back in time via his sleigh because the newest vehicle he can see on the streets is a 1999 Ford Explorer.
Greene County, 1:32 a.m. — Santa takes a buckshot round to the leg after forgetting to wear blaze orange when entering farmhouse chimneys.
Southside, 2:21 a.m. — Santa hurriedly finishes his Rumpelminze and eggnog after the bartender at Jack’s reminds him she doesn’t give a fuck who he is, it’s time to get the hell out.
Southside, 2:22 a.m. — Santa vomits copious volumes of Rumpelminze and eggnog.
Brookline, 2:51 a.m. — Santa gets through a dozen delivers on Pioneer Avenue before realizing he still has Fiori’s grease all over his goddamn fingers.
Bethel Park, 3:04 a.m. — Local police save the neighborhood from certain tragedy by ticketing Santa’s sleigh for being parked on the street between 2-6 in the morning.
Donora, 3:17 a.m. — Santa leaves a piece of coal in each resident’s stocking. Not because they were naughty, but in a hopeless effort to reinvigorate the mills.
Indiana, 5:14 a.m. — Santa is kicked out of town before delivering any presents after reminding diner waiter that Jimmy Stewart was racist as hell.
(Article contributions by John Danek @jjdanek)
