PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — In light of rising temperatures and unrelenting downpours, residents in the region have started transitioning to the latest spring trends in the seasonal affective disorder cycle, sources wishing they had just stayed home confirm.
“Burying yourself under four blankets and sleeping for 17 hours is so last month,” said resident Kelly Barker. “Yet I still hear about friends wrapped in the same stain-ridden hoodie, desperately binge-watching the same nostalgia-inducing shows, and ignoring the same obligations. It’s March, people! Time to move on to that ratty windbreaker and hydroplane enough on your seven-minute drive to the store to wonder if God, or whatever reigns over sad existence, even cares whether you survive.”
Allentown resident Sheani Robinson said she plans to embrace what this new wave of seasonal affective behaviors has to offer.
“Springtime misery really does do more for me,” she said. “It’s warm enough now that the lingering worthlessness from my excuses not to exercise will hit twice as hard. Plus, next week the days will get even longer, meaning more time to drink in daylight and ruin any chance I might sleep well.”
Mental health expert Dr. Bryan Goodman anticipates the trends to endure longer than the public might expect.
“It’s a common misconception that the approach of winter’s end means all the big self-loathing habits will go with it,” he said. “But people don’t adjust for the local market conditions: between bouts of days-long rain and a random Arctic vortex that will pop up sometime in April, Pittsburghers still have plenty of time to believe that their life is punishment for transgressions committed a prior one.”
“Sometimes, cities with a baseball team will experience a more rapid shift to summer-like mental climate thanks to spring training,” he added. “I wouldn’t consider that very likely in this case, however.”
