PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
“COVID-19 can spread easily enough without us helping it along,” said department spokesperson Kayla Harmon. “The last thing you want to do is be that careless jerk who pastes the inside of a public toilet with the churned-up remains of a breakfast burrito and totally forgets to scrub his hands afterwards.”
“We can beat any pandemic with our handy little motto,” she added. “Wreck, then disinfect!”
Health experts stated they have seen improved sanitary practices in public spaces locally since the start of such announcements.
“Before, people were spraying the bowl with their fecal matter then using the MTO machines without a second thought,” said researcher Dr. Kevin Littell. “Now, we’ve seen a 28% uptick in consumers spending at least four or five seconds to rinse their hands in some soap after ravaging the facilities with whatever gastronomic hell is rolling around in their colon. That’s even more impressive when you realize that it includes a 45% increase among those who write messages on the wall with their own excrement.”
In related news, the Penguins play back-to-back home games this weekend, prompting officials to remind hockey fans to wash their hands after leaving streams of piss all over the floors and walls surrounding the toilet.
