TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
“I’m glad that creep’s gone,” said Hays resident Beth Hellman. “When he’d play games with people around town, they’d catch him cheating red-handed multiple times, but not once did he own up to it. Even worse, I heard he and a friend liked to take voyeur videos of people doing their job or intercept messages they sent each other. My only regret is that the Pittsburgh Police, FBI, and Homeland Security refused to throw that creep in jail despite me and my husband calling several dozen times a day.”
35-year-old Jack Hillier of Etna found Brady particularly hard to tolerate later in the NFL season.
“Nearly every year, Old Man Brady ruined one or two of my Steelers watch parties,” he said. “Every time, I’d draw up some new scheme to keep him breaking loose and causing trouble, yet he just danced around them like clockwork until I ended the party in a drunken rage. In fact, thanks to that old jag, I don’t think I’ve had the same TV for more than a few years since 2002. Good riddance.”
Brady spoke fondly of the vitriol he incited over the years.
“It’s a shame I have to leave,” he said, smiling at his heavily bejeweled hands. “I always loved watching people’s reactions when I showed up at their house and wiped my ass with a Terrible Towel. Oh well, even though we will be on different schedules, I’m sure they’ll keep up with everything I’m doing online.”
“Besides,” he added, “I still have plans to be back in February. Though, if my buddies Lamar and Patrick keep it up, these people might be too pissed off for it too even matter by then.”
