HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
“Well, that’s a bummer,” said Price, carefully setting down the beer bottle he stuffed with a burning rag and kerosene to fold up his self-crafted Gadsden flag of a snake wrapped around a case of American Light. “It took three hours to get out here, not to mention six more shouting from a park bench so people understood the many parallels between my actions and the founding fathers, and now I’m just standing here like an idiot with a firebomb who’s never threatened to harm someone over alcohol before.”
“Let that be a lesson to all the kids out there,” he added. “Call your beer store first before making a homemade incendiary projectile to protect your right to get loaded.”
As of press time, Price had reportedly chosen to “do the right thing” and hurled it at a man in a Flyers jersey.
