Happy April to all yinz aht there!
I’m gunna hafta ask yinz to turn dahn yer walkman or whatever n listen up, we clear?
The investors dahn at Pittsburgh Unfiltered weren’t makin no scratch off the operation, what with a bunch of wannabe socialist jagoffs runnin the thing, so they brought in me, hard-workin’, American Flag n Terrible Towel-wavin’, Baldwin born n raised Russ Hookgraver to get business boomin again.
Now I was gunna start tuh get e’rything in order by firin all the staff and leavin them without health insurance. I mean, writin’ ain’t a real job, anyhow. I write stuff fer free all the time: death threats tuh sports radio hosts, lists fer when we go get food dahn at the Iggle, court-ordered apologies tuh my neighbors … you know, whole buncha stuff.
Once I realized, though, that none of them was a full-time employee, well, I decided there was only one thing fer ol’ Russ tuh do: put aht high-quality, pro-Pittsburgh content for all yinz folks to laugh at aht there. Stuff that red-, white-, blue-, black, and gold-blooded Americans like me would really get a kick aht of.
So sit back, pack in a few ‘rogis, and get yinzselves ready fer the new n improved Pittsburgh Unfiltered, with yer friend who’s always callin the cops fer yinz when he sees coupla hoodlums takin too long to walk dahn the street, Russ Hookgraver.
(Look, even the logo looks better. Kinda like the Pittsburgh Steelers! Get it? That’s the football team we all like n stuff.)
