Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
HELL — Our jag mayor Bill Peduto reportedly sold his soul to Satan this morning for more of them dumb bike lanes that are gonna clog up them roads people just wanna drive fast on.
“Oh, hey Satan, my best friend,” said that potato-looking Peduto to his fire-wielding buddy. “I’d totally give you my soul for another thousand bike lines throughout the city. In fact, I’d pledge my undying allegiance to the underworld if you could put one right in the middle of the Fort Pitt Bridge during rush hour.”
Even the Prince of Darkness kind of thought that was a jag move.
“Ain’t that a little too evil, Bill?” asked Satan, who couldn’t believe somebody could come up with something more sinister than him. “There are some hard-working drivers out there who just like to take an easy cruise down the road the one or two times a year they go downtown, and I bet these bicyclists don’t even like pay taxes or nothing.”
Peduto continued to show his dark side, though.
“Nothing’s too evil for me, ya wuss,” he yelled. “You best be looking out because once I’ve destroyed the city thanks to my devious plot to force businesses to give their lazy, entitled employees paid sick leave, I’m coming for you next.”
As of press time, Peduto allegedly said he wouldn’t demand more bike lanes if the devil promised to extend the Coronavirus hoax so he can declare martial law and force everybody to turn Muslim or something.
