HAZELWOOD — The local community celebrated today after discovering property poacher Rick Gilmour mauled to death by the very woman whose home he was targeting to flip and rent at more than twice the average rate in the area, sources kicking the body “for good measure” confirm.
“You try to pull a fast one on Ruth, you’re asking for trouble,” said neighbor Hank Drummond. “She’s the fiercest woman I know: the one time she caught me skipping school, she not only twisted my ear all the way back, she had me come over for algebra and writing lessons twice a week the rest of the year.”
“I was going to run over and warn him, but I got this sudden cramp in my calf and didn’t make it. What convenient, unlucky timing, huh?”
A real estate investor familiar with Gilmour, who spoke on condition of anonymity, claimed to have warned him about the dangers of his “overconfident” approach.
“Gilmour liked to show off,” the source said. “He was always taking selfies of his arm around the neck of the prey or dangling a wad of cash $20,000 below fair market value in their face. Only a matter of time that he learned his lesson the hard way.”
Ruth Marvin has remained standing triumphantly over Gilmour’s limp body to ward off other potential threats to her neighborhood. She spoke of her commitment to defending the local pride.
“People think because we don’t drive BMWs or close million-dollar deals, we can’t detect a danger to our habitat,” she said, baring teeth to repel a man who was about to ask to see her energy bill in an attempt to lock her into an expensive, long-term contract. “Needless to say, I did it once, and to protect my lands you bet your ass I’ll do it again.”
As of press time, Marvin was reportedly on the phone with a man pretending to be an FBI agent, somehow having convinced the scammer to submit her a written apology and come over for dinner if he’s ever in town.
