STRIP DISTRICT — Small-batch craft whiskey producer Ye Olde Tyme Distillery intends to help combat the Coronavirus by offering jelly jars of “high-quality, artistically refined” hand sanitizer for $30 per unit, company sources revealed this morning.
“Right now we have eight-ounce Mason jars of small-batch, local, artisan, hand-crafted, organic hand sanitizer for $30, or you can get a set of five in assorted scents for only $125,” said co-owner Willem Lawrence. “Our finely honed product is nothing like that mass-produced Purell garbage. In fact, applying our small-batch artisan hand sanitizer isn’t just an advisable safety precaution; it’s an ethereal, semi-erotic experience.”
Lawrence emphasized the long-term impact supporting businesses like his can wield.
“When you buy from us, we can expand our $30 hand sanitizer operation and employ more artisans, like our artisan van driver, Bob,” he said. “Not to mention an artisan administrative assistant, artisan custodian, and artisan guy who spins one of those big signs for passing drivers. We even hope down the line to keep our garbage artisan; it will still end up in the landfill, but damn it will look very chic and individualistic.”
Some customers, however, feel a disconnect between the product and price point.
“I don’t understand why it’s $30,” said area customer Pat Duquette. “I had an uncle from West Virginia who made hand sanitizer in his backyard and it smells exactly the same. Other than seeing it in a jar with a fancy label, you just put it on your hands and nobody can tell the damn difference.”
The distillery currently offers front-line healthcare workers 10% off their first order. Additionally, $35 Ye Olde Tyme Distillery shirts are available online, with 1% of all sales going to “maybe a food bank or some shit.”
Article by Sloover (sloover.com)
