PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — The Grim Reaper implored new intern Wendy Bell to “take it easy with the scythe” after witnessing her enthusiasm in reaping souls of the region’s seniors, according to sources wishing they had never transitioned her from the practice scythe.
“I took her to a nursing home for something easy and obvious, with clear indicators they are ready to move on,” said the Steward to the Afterlife. “Soon as we walk in, she shouts ‘Viva the economy!’ and hacks down half the checkers club and a ballroom dancing class until I tackle her.
“It’s like, Jesus, lady, you’re only supposed to reap the essence of those whose time has come, not mow them down like weeds in your backyard, ya psycho.”
Bell reportedly tried to justify her sudden outburst.
“She called me a ‘brainless bleeding heart’ and shoved this piece of scratch paper with some flimsy math into my face,” Azreal explain. “Then she pointed to Mr. Jacobs and claimed he ‘wouldn’t want his family to suffer any longer’ even though he still had another two decades and his grandson’s birthday party tomorrow. He also about to win that checkers game, the poor guy.”
As of press time, Bell was allegedly lamenting the presumed conditions of a deceased local teenager’s “tragic life,” while Death tried to clarify that the boy had just choked on a carrot.
