FREEDOM — Local mother Nina Mosesso cautioned her kids this morning to clean their room or else she would march up there and, “as God is [her] witness,” administer the Pennsylvania System of School Assessment exams as punishment, sources hurriedly putting stuff away to avoid algebra confirmed.
“Mom’s not kidding around,” said Mosesso’s oldest daughter Sheena as she piled clothes into a laundry basket. “Two weeks ago, I was up on my phone when I was supposed to be asleep and she made me stay up the rest of the night writing my grandma a letter via bubble form. No way I’m taking a chance on repeating that slice of hell.”
The mother of three attributed her children’s “loafing around” to their growing sense of comfort learning at home.
“They think they can pull a fast one on mom, just ’cause they’re ‘studying’ on their tablets without somebody looking over their shoulder,” she said, standing still to ensure she heard frantic movement in the bedrooms. “As if I can’t tell my soaps are streaming slower when one of them is blowing shit up on their PlayStation or whatever. We’ll see who’s having fun once they’re stuck in a silent room for several hours solving poorly phrased word problems that seem to have no application in real life, now won’t we?”
“Remember, I brought yinz into this world so I can just as easily force you to answer vague multiple-choice questions based on an arbitrary reading passage!” she added loudly.
Mesesso’s consequences have reportedly affected her husband Phil as well, who, after questioning her methods for maintaining the family’s budget, was forced to do it himself, but only using Common Core.
