(This article was originally posted on The Omnibrow, a Pitt grad-led humor site, in 2011. It felt appropriate to indulge in some nostalgia as we approach Mother’s Day, so here it is.)
ROSS TOWNSHIP — Local elementary school educator Jerry Farnsworth, the fifth-grade teacher who inspired you to pursue a career in the natural sciences, is “rocking the shit out of [your mother],” she moaned in a statement today.
Mr. Farnsworth, 53, was seen approaching your mother during happy hour earlier this evening. Sources say Farnsworth sparked conversation with a witty biology quip, the one you quoted in your college essay about your academic role model.
After a round of Farnsworth’s amusing anecdotes, a skill that earned him your nomination as local educator of year, the two reportedly left the bar and hailed a nearby taxi.
It has been confirmed that Farnsworth, contrary to the adamant stance he took in fifth-grade sex education, has chosen not to wear a condom.
