MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
“Research indicated older males of Appalachia needed a more meaningful way to react to their offspring’s posts,” said company spokesperson Anita Waters. “We wanted something broad, fitting for progressive political views, check-ins to ‘weird’ parts of town, and pictures of a partner whose septum ring is constantly a point of contention at holiday get-togethers. Just like our care emoji lets users send the power of a hug across the world, we hope this addition helps dads harness all the emotion of ‘I don’t care much for how you live, but good to see you’re keeping busy’ with a single click.”
Ambridge resident Curt Perlick, whose account was among those chosen to beta-test the new reaction, admitted to early skepticism.
“We might be a simple family,” he said, using the emoji on his son’s announcement that his shitposting page surpassed 1000 followers, “but I doubted the feelings I convey to my loved ones could be summed up in one button. I was like, they really think that little thing can capture every emotion from disappointment to begrudging acceptance? Get out of here.”
Several days later, however, Perlick saw the emoji’s full capacity.
“The boy went on a sharing spree last week,” he said. “Community composting, that lady friend whose hair’s never the same goddamn color two days in a row, updates from those communists at WPXI — all that noise kids get themselves into. Then it hit me: I wasn’t sad or angry; I just wanted to put my hand on his shoulder and say, ‘If you’ve got time to do all this, then you’ve got time to call your mother.'”
“I realized that power was right in front of me,” he added. “It’s like I have the joke that someone at the hospital must have swapped my kid out with him at the tip of my fingers.”
Perlick said he hopes the new emoji will at least last until this fall, in case his grandson chooses soccer over football for the third year running.
